Hi everyone! How are you all doing? What have you been up to these past few weeks? I started school again about three weeks ago and it has been a ride. I am currently a junior in college this year and I am starting to feel the building dread of, "What am I going to do after I graduate?" I feel like this has been my main fear since this past summer began.
What am I going to do?
What if I'm not good enough for the job I want?
What if I never fulfill my dreams?
What if...
What if...
What if...
These are simple, non-loaded questions aren't they? (That was sarcasm if you couldn't tell, these are awful questions).
Lately I have been constantly attacked with the thoughts that I am a failure. That I will never be good enough. That I will never amount to anything special.
I used to have these thoughts under control. I would say to myself, "My name is Samantha Van Marter, and I am not afraid". And it would help me quiet down those thoughts and even silence them some days.
But not this year.
And I think it is due to the fact that my time here at NAU is coming to a close and the pressure of finding a good career is suffocating. So, my natural response is to shut down when things get to be too much. That is how I deal with stress. I shut down and literally sleep my days away hoping that the next time I wake up, the problem will somehow be less than when I was awake before.
Of course, this isn't the only thing that causes me to fall deeper into the pit of despair, but it is one of the main things I do that illustrates that I do not lean on God when I have a problem. I go against Proverbs 3:6 pretty much every time I feel incredibly overwhelmed.
My big "WHAT IF" question always breaks into smaller, more vicious ones when I try to "sleep it off". They buzz around my head and slam into my brain without mercy. And those questions and thoughts are cruel. But, I continue to go about my business as if it will fix everything. I ask God to help me, but then I continue to do what I regularly do. I don't actually listen to what He has to say because I hoard my stress-dealing processes like I'm trying to hide my favorite snack from my siblings.
I have to be honest with you. As I write this blog, I still continue to think my way is better than God's way. Some of you may be thinking, "I've heard it all before. God's way or the highway". Some of you may even think that you do follow God's way instead of your own. And maybe you do, which is great. But some (like me) go into self destruct mode and do everything your way first before it works out while God is in the background of your heart going, "I'm literally right here to help you deal with this in the way you need". (He probably wouldn't say literally, but you get the point).
My de-stress processes are my fortress. I need to have a clean room to have peace. I need to have all my school work done before I can relax. I need to have a cup of tea or coffee so I can "treat myself". I need to hang out with friends first so they won't think I am bailing on them. So on and so on.
These things do not in anyway make me feel better. And if they do, my doubts and fears come crashing back down on me a few seconds later harder than before. It. Doesn't. Work.
I am a complete mess right now because of the fact that I refuse to trust God with handling my problems. I've probably cried almost every day since school started because the load on my back is too much to carry. And yet my pride, my selfish pride keeps the load on my back.
God is there to help in the way He knows will put you on the path to becoming a stronger and more at peace person. He knows You. Better than anyone on this earth. He knows what you need. If He didn't know what we needed, then He probably wouldn't have died on the cross for us.
This is a plea to both myself and those who are struggling with intense anxiety right now. Stop what you're doing. Right now. Don't worry about the mess in your room. Don't worry about the millions of things you have to get done. Stop and ask God to reveal to you what is keeping you from trusting Him.What are the things you go to for safety instead of God? Ask Him to give you the strength, wisdom, and clarity to go to Him when it feels like you can no longer stand. Stop beating yourself up for the "what ifs". Just breathe and ask God for help.
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