This morning was one for the books. My heart and mind had been made so vulnerable and it. hurt. I had been so numb to the pain I had been repressing and it was finally made clear to me. This morning was one of the beginning of transformation. It was not easy, but it made me see. I am going to share with you the conversation I had with God this morning. I hope that it reaches you and others in terms that it may help you with difficult days or seasons in your life. Feel free to email me or comment with any questions or comments.
This morning was rough, Lord. But I can't help but feel full. Everything that happened hit me hard and knocked the wind out of me. Tears sprung from my eyes without resistance, but I can't help but rejoice in You. I sit here now, out of the house, drinking my favorite drink, and talking with You instead of trying to delay the pain by sleeping it off.
I listened to Psalm 46 by Shane and Shane on my drive over here and tears flowed from my eyes once again. I felt as though I had fallen to my knees at your feet with my palms up in surrender. I felt the weight of my burdens and self-doubt lifted off y shoulders as I sang how You are with us during the battle, through the fire, as a fortress, as a protector, and as a deliverer. I can not believe how You can strengthen and heal me during one of the most difficult seasons of my life.
I have buried who I am deep in my heart in an effort to please those around me. I have stopped searching to please You because the flesh is so immediate and intimidating. As a result, I do not know how to regain who I am. Perhaps the girl I once was has died and You are trying to awaken a stronger, more faith-filled woman. I don't know Your true plan for me. All I know is that the only way that I can find myself in through You. I do not know how to start, but I know that You will show me as long as I seek You. My Creator. My Father. My Friend. My King. My God.
I have been lost in a sea of deception, humiliation, falsehood, and pain for a long time. Please forgive me for treading and diving into the depths of this ocean. My life thus far has been hazy. No moments clear. All I remember is the blur of my mistakes and false behavior.
Please make me whole again. Please bring forth every sin and transgression within me so that I may confess them and ask for Your forgiveness. I want Your light to wash out every ounce of darkness. I want to be on fire for You. I want to be genuine in You. I do not want to be lazy in my faith. I want every aspect of my life to be saturated with Your spirit.
Thank You, for giving me a spirit of strength and joy so I can take these painful moments in my life and bring them to You so I can rejoice instead of steep in sadness.
Please help me carry this spirit through all the moments in my life so I can grow in You and spread the news of Your Good Name.
I love You,
My God
My Creator
My Father
My Friend
My King
May our love story never end.
-Samantha
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