Yesterday, I had a pretty rough argument with someone I care about deeply. I am still hurting from it just as I am sure they are still hurting from it. I felt as though my stomach was on fire. Like a pit of boiling rage was threatening to roar out of me and burn whoever was near. The person I was arguing with had thought that I had said and meant something else other than what I actually said and meant. I don't know about you, but being misunderstood is one of my biggest pet peeves especially if the other person 100% thinks that I meant what they think I meant. So, during the course of the argument, I found that I was repeating myself. The more I repeated myself, the louder my voice got and the less I tries to see their side of it.
Most people have heard James 1: 19-20: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires". In short, do not let your anger get the best of you, be patient and listen, otherwise you will really hurt the other person/people. I had been quick to anger and slow to listen. Because of that, I had dealt some pretty low blows. I remember asking God to help me calm my heart as well as the other person's, but I had failed to pray for the right words and right tone. I had forgotten (and probably refused) to ask this because it was more important that the other person hear and listen to me and what I meant rather than to produce words of love, patience, and encouragement.
I had ultimately ignored the fact that I originally hurt the person I was arguing with. I had expected the other person to listen and understand me, but I didn't want to listen and understand them.
Proverbs 19:11 says: "A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook and offence". This is a hard pill for me to swallow. I want to remember the offence so that I can bring it up in a future argument and claim victory. I want to throw it in their face, But most of all, I want to remember it so I can hold a grudge. This is terrible, I know. Because I do this sometimes, I damage very meaningful relationships.
So, what can we do to be better?
I understand in the heart of an argument it is difficult to maintain composure. Been there, done that. That is why it is important to ask God for help during arguments or hurtful monologues before they happen. Here is a list of things that help me through these anger-fueled moments.
1) Encourage the person instead of spiting them or putting them down.
- This makes a HUGE difference in how people communicate with each other. For example, if someone is attempting to explain to you how they are feeling and it puts you in a "bad guy" position or they just come at you with hurtful diction and play the blame game, do not try to belittle them or come up with a worse accusation. Instead, tell them something like, "Thank you for letting me know how you are feeling, what can I do to help?" For example, Proverbs 15:1 says: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".
2) Be discreet with your words.
- In other words, do. not. gossip. Do not go to anyone else before going to God with your situation. Gossiping most likely always leads to fanning the flame. Anger builds and builds until you might explode on them the next time you have an argument. Therefore, talk with God sincerely about what is going on.
3) Be consistent and faithful.
- This step means nothing if you do not have God's Word living inside of your heart. All of the love and patience and gentle words come from the Bible's influence in your life. I would suggest studying Proverbs to receive insight on how to communicate with others with love. Another classic would be to really examine 1 Corinthians 13 and I do not just mean the part where Paul explains that "love is patient, love is kind..." (I'm not trying to make this seem less important. You just get more out of the text if you read the entire thing). After all, words can be empty or hurtful if not done in love.
4) PRAY
-And I don't mean just think about praying for the right words to say and the patience and love to show the other person. I mean actually dig deep and ask God to show you some of your flaws that may show during an argument, to ask Him to help you overcome those flaws. Ask Him to give you strength and motivation to dive into His Word and learn to communicate. Ask Him to show you what real love and patience looks like in the midst of the blazing flames. Really, truly, pray to Him about this. I promise that it will make a huge difference in your relationships with others.
It is not about being heard. The more you try to be heard the more likely the other person will try to talk over you and stop listening to what you have to say. As I stated before, going into an argument determined to be understood and expecting the other person to hear you out prevents you from providing them with encouragement and patience. Do not let your own pride get in the way of a relationship that is worth exploring God's promises for.
I hope that this helped and that you all (me included) will spend some serious time with God to learn how to speak love, not anger or hurt, into people's lives.
-Sam
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