The thrumming of my own thoughts drown me in a feeling of dread. I do not want to think of the things that may require me to change my attitude or way of life. I do not want to think of becoming a better person even though that is something I have been praying for since I was little. The thought of evaluating my relationship with God fills me with shame and fear. I know that I am not in the best place with God right now. I still feel the inevitable pull towards the appeal of inclusiveness within our society today. I want to be like others, yet the idea of being like everyone else makes my stomach turn. Why am I so back and forth? Why can;t I just love Jesus and follow His direction like all the other good Christians?
Eventually, I just turn on the TV and scroll through my phone instead of asking God for guidance and peace.
This is what I usually go through when I don't have the usual buzz of work or school to keep me occupied. Having a mandatory schedule gives me purpose and drive. But it is short lived.
Ever since I started college, I have been more sensitive to my relationship with God than ever before. I have also been more sensitive to worldly behaviors as well. This clash of conflict drives my absolutely crazy, but only when I am away from the things that distract me from who I am when no one is looking.
Without the watchful eyes of my professors, bosses, friends, and peers, I am left wandering around my own head, confused on which path to take. I still struggle with being a lukewarm Christian even though I have grown in my faith significantly since high school. I still desire the appeal of a college life like in the movies, I still want to be liked by everyone even if that means adopting behaviors that are not me, my flesh still craves the world.
Being out of school for the summer has revealed to me that I would rather do meaningless, mindless activities than dive deeper into the reason why I still struggle with my wishy-washy faith. I mean, it took me almost two weeks after I got back from my vacation to write this post because the thought of trying to figure out a flaw within myself sounded less appealing than watching New Girl.
I have been feeling sick. Physically and mentally.
I feel sick because I know that I am digging myself into a hole that is farther and farther from God's light. Whenever I do, or think, or say something that I know is wrong in God's eyes, I feel bile rise in my throat and my mind becomes restless. So why do I do it? I don't know the complete answer, but the first thing that comes to mind is that I want to be liked, both by myself and those around me. I feel like this is one of the main reasons I still feel like a lukewarm coffee that sits on a desk.
Because of my neither hot nor cold behavior, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything that would help me grow as a person. I do not even want to pray to God genuinely about what has been going on because I feel like a fraud.
I feel like a fraud for even writing this now, but I have to keep going because I know God is trying to work inside of me.
I have decided to work through the book of Proverbs. I decided this because Proverbs details how to gain wisdom as well as illustrates what is wise and what is foolishness. I had figured that this would point me in the right direction in terms of how to live my life.
The author of Proverbs makes sure to emphasize that the first step to gaining wisdom, knowledge, and understanding is fearing the Lord (Proverbs 1:7). Fearing the Lord is the understanding that God is the Creator of all things, the Alpha and Omega, the King of Kings, and our Father. God is in control. Fearing the Lord does not mean to say, "shake and quiver at the thought that God can strike down any time He pleases". God is our Heveanly Father and He will take care of us. But it is up to us to keep communicating with Him and keep pursuing Him.
The next thing that stuck out to me was Proverbs 16. It states, "Avoid it [evil], do not travel on it: turn from it and go on your way". This stuck out to me because God was telling me to not even entertain temptation, for playing with it will lead to ruin and devastation. This is my problem. I entertain sin, temptation, and evil. Even if it is just a thought, it leads me down a darker path that is void of Christ. I believe that I feel sick when I sin because God has begun to give me the discernment that that kind of life will ruin me and prevent me from becoming the person that God wants me to be.
I believe this is why lukewarm Christians often get stuck in a rut. They are not fully aware of the danger that entertaining the flesh provokes. This is why many lukewarm Christians are left only wishing they were better people instead of actively pursuing the path of life and light. Proverbs 4:18 says, "The path of righteousness is like the morning sum, shining ever brighter till the full light of day".
When I got to this verse, my eyes grew misty. The fact that pursuing the path of wisdom and understanding through Christ leads to your soul becoming brighter and brighter with each passing day is a blessing that we are not worthy of. But God sees our worth. God sees that we have the potential to be great. He made us to be great. But we must be comfortable when times grow quiet. When life seems quiet, God is testing our faith. God is showing us who we are and who we are meant to be. We must push through the urge to ignore what God is trying to show us and know that whatever God has is store for us is greater and more grand than any plan we could ever dream up for ourselves.
Quietness is not the time to remain stationary and slip into a pattern of mediocre behavior. It is the time to listen and communicate and continue to do God's will. He gave us the amazing gift of pursuing the knowledge of His heart. I hope that myself and all of you recognize this when it feels like the silence is growing.
I'd like to know about all of your journey's with Christ and if you have any advice for me in terms of walking confidently with Christ. I'd love to hear what you have to say.
In the mean time, I hope that a time of quietness becomes a welcome blessing and a time for you to dwell in God's peace.
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