Well howdy everyone. It's been a while. Over a year, in fact. But I've gotta tell ya, it feels so good to be writing again.
Let me start by telling you that I had no idea how good God was until I went through the season I did this past year. God is so gracious and beautiful in His plan and character that I was (and still am) in awe of His very name. I have just experienced a season of intense anxiety, doubt, and depression. I felt dirty. I felt the shame wrap around me like a heavy cloak that was filled with different kinds of bugs that would bite my skin. I found it hard to brush my teeth every morning and night. I found it hard to even eat sometimes. I wanted to wallow in my shame and suffering because I felt that I had messed up too many times for God to forgive me. I felt that God was tired of me being lukewarm. I would pray for forgiveness one night and then throw myself into sin the next day only to come crawling back bruised, battered, and filled with disdain for myself. But most of all, I felt betrayed by God.
This past Saturday, I had felt that I had the wind knocked out of me. I was met with intense heartache and swarming thoughts of pain. I decided to take a walk. Once I got to the park, I saw a spot beneath the trees that was bathed in the warm glow of the rising sun. I sat under one of the trees and opened my Bible randomly to 2 Kings 4. I read the first section about a recently widowed woman and her sons then I read the section about the Shunammite's Son restored to life.
The first story is about a woman, recently widowed, who is worried about how she will get by while raising her sons. The only thing of value she had was a little bit of oil left over. Elisha had told her to ask her neighbors for empty jars and to make sure that she doesn't ask only for a few. Perplexed, but trusting, the woman and her sons went to their neighbors and asked for as many empty jars as they could. Once they collected the jars, they returned home and closed the door behind them. One after another, the widow began filling the jars with the little bit of oil that her late husband had left. "Bring me another one," she said. "There is not a jar left" the boys responded. The woman had filled every single jar to the top with the oil that was left. The woman had returned to Elisha, dumbfounded and Elisha told her to sell the oil and pay her debts so that her and her sons could live off of what was left. Now, let me remind you all, oil was not cheap and was not easy to come by. Oil is typically used for anointing (we can see this when David is anointed as king of Israel and with Jesus as the Savior). So, the fact that the widow was able to fill many jars with this oil is nothing short of a miracle and a blessing.
The second story I read was about an older Shunammite woman who gave a room of her and her husband's house to Elisha whenever he was in town. She made sure that the room was comfortable for him because Elisha was a respected man of God. She furnished the room with a bed, table, chair, and lamp. Elisha was grateful for the woman's hospitality and asked the servant Gehazi to ask what he could do for the woman in return. Gehazi had reported back with, "She has no son and her husband is old." Elisha had called the woman to his room and had boldly said, "About this time next year...you will hold a son in your arms." The woman could hardly believe it and had told Elisha not to mislead her. The thought of having a son was impossible to her. The woman became pregnant and, just like Elisha said, held her son within the next year. The child grew and, unfortunately, passed away. Grief stricken, the woman laid her son in Elisha's room, took a servant and a saddled donkey, and rushed to Elisha at Mount Carmel. The funny thing is though, once Gehazi saw her running in, he had asked if everything was alright and she had told him yes. However, once she was in front of Elisha in confidence, she broke down in distress, "Did I ask you for a son, my lord?....Didn't I tell you, 'Don't raise my hopes'?". Elisha had instructed her to return to her son and lay his staff on the boy's face. The woman had refused to go without him so he followed her. Once they returned, Gehazi was the one to lay the staff on the boy's face and nothing happened. He went out and told Elisha to which Elisha then went in and laid atop the boy and stretched himself out. As he lay there, the boy's body grew warmer. Elisha got up, paced the room, and was met with the sneezing seven times and opening his eyes. Elisha summoned Gehazi and told him to get the woman. The woman, awestruck and rejoicing, fell at Elisha's feet and bowed on the ground. Then, she took her son and went out.
Wow. There's a lot to unpack here.
My first impression of the first story was that it reminded me of the feeding of 5,000 miracle (told in all four gospels) where Jesus fed all these people with five barley loaves and two fish. It made me think that God is a God of abundance and loves to provide for His children. The widow was in distress because, not only did her husband die, but she now had to find a way to provide for her and her boys for the time being. God provided for her. Now, I'd like to point out that yes, God did provide this family with an abundance of oil that would eventually lead to an increase of financial stability, but God is not a God of things. This miracle shows us that God has an abundance of love and care for His faithful children. He knows exactly what we need and there is a reason why God didn't provide jars full of money outright for this family. It was a process that the widow and her boys had to go through. The realization grew more and more that God was doing something miraculous in their lives as they filled each jar with oil. I would like to imagine that, at first, they were visibly confused and probably thought there was more oil in the husband's jar than they originally thought. Then, as they filled more and more jars, they began thanking God and rejoicing in Him for his love and provision washing over them. God had them come to Him with a heart of great thankfulness and rejoicing in His goodness. He encouraged their hearts to get in the right posture so they could enjoy His abundance. And God wants us to enjoy life. He wants us to thrive in His love and blessings. An all-powerful God wants me and you to live. And not just the basics: food, water, shelter. He wants us to enjoy life and be showered with His blessings. He has prepared the way for us, we just need to hold fast to Him and trust that He is there, guiding our way and providing for us in a way that He knows will fulfill us.
The second story hit a little harder for me because I, too, had felt betrayed. I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling and I definitely couldn't understand why I was going through what I was going through. I felt that God was punishing me or left me out to dry. I felt that He had abandoned me and forgot about my wants and needs. Of course, I told myself that none of this was true. I told myself that God has a place for us in eternity, that He is with us as we run the race and that He even sent His son to die for our sins so that we may be saved regardless of what we have done so that we could have an intimate relationship with Him. Regardless of the Scripture I reminded myself of, I still felt betrayed. And that's because I didn't (and still don't) see my circumstances through God's eyes. Again, the Shunammite woman went through a process with God. She began by telling Elisha to not get her hopes up because she knew it would be close to impossible for her to have a baby. Then, she was thrown intro despair and shock when her only son died suddenly. Feeling heartbroken and possibly furious at Elisha for promising her a son and possibly furious at God as well for taking him away. Finally, she has her faith restored after experiencing one of the darkest valleys of her life when God, through Elisha, brings her son back to her (this also makes me think of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead and the pain his family must have experienced as well).
This woman had discovered that God is faithful even in the darkest of places. Even when it is hard to see your own hand in front of your face, God is there every step of the way. God had a plan when this woman's son suddenly died, the woman just couldn't see it. She couldn't see past her grief to see that God was using this valley to help her grow in her faith.
One thing that my pastor at church said that really struck me was that, God doesn't hurl these valleys at us just for our character development. He doesn't sit on His throne pondering which dark season He would throw at Samantha today. He doesn't plot our darkness. He uses these seasons in order to do something extraordinary and good because He loves us infinitely and recklessly enough to help us walk through the valley of the shadow of death so we might come to grow in our own love and need for Him. He loves us so much that He is willing to walk through the darkness with us. And yet, sometimes, we still feel as if He is absent or that He forgot about us. Just like He delivered the Shunammite's son from death, He too has delivered us through Jesus. He, too, has authored our paths and knows everything we will go through, both good and bad. He knows that we need Him and that we cannot rely on our own understanding as the Shunammite woman did. We need Him for peace in our current circumstance. He is our Perfect Creator and He will always be with us. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that He will abandon us based on how much we sin or what kind of sin we commit. He paid the price. The battle is already won.
I know that it is hard to remember this and keep faith sometimes. There will be more times in our future where we feel alone and where we have doubts about God and His plans. We are human and we are bound to fall short. But God loves us regardless and He never gives up on us or forgets us.
I am just coming out of this season of intense darkness and, sometimes, I still feel it looming at my back. Sometimes, it is tempting to let the darkness seep into my pores so that I can wallow. But, now, I have tasted the sweetness of our Heavenly Father. I have experienced His love like never before in my life and He. Is. Good. I find Him in the morning light between the trees, welcoming me into a new day. I find Him in my hot cup of coffee, inviting me to spend time with Him. I find Him telling me to literally walk in the garden with Him because He wants to show me something beautiful. I find Him when I am cradled on the floor of my room with tears streaming down my face. He is comforting me there as He sends a wave of warmth and peace over me so that I may find Him in the darkness and lean into Him. He is there in the big and the small. He is everywhere. He invites us to find Him.
Whatever season you're in now, I encourage you to take some time, some intentional time, and call out to God. Whether you're angry, sad, happy, hopeful, anxious, whatever it is, call out to Him. He is not waiting for us to be perfect to answer our prayers. His strength is made perfect in weakness and He wants us to come to Him just as we are. He has not abandoned us. The season we are in right now has a purpose and that purpose is good. Our seasons are temporary, but our Heavenly Father is forever. And He wants us to join Him in forever.
Call out to Him. Say His name. Invite Him into your heart so He can heal you and work in You. He promises us His eternal and satisfying love for all eternity and He wants us to thrive with Him. God is good. And He will never leave us no matter who or what is against us.
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